Are you a spiritual misfit?
Have you started to feel like church is a foreign country where you don’t speak the language? Christian teachings that you once accepted now seem beyond belief? Can’t relate any more to some of the things other Christians do?
Do you feel alone?
Then you’ll be glad to hear you’re not alone. Not at all.
Finding out you don’t fit in
It can start out quite innocently. You’re serious about your faith. You want to know God better and serve him more faithfully.
And then something turns things upside down.
- Maybe a friend comes out as queer and is rejected by their church.
- Maybe an atheist online mocks what you believe and you don’t really know whether you have any reasons to believe.
- Maybe you read something in the Bible that doesn’t seem right, like God ordering genocide (Deuteronomy 7:1-3).
- Or your pastor preaches on people being punished in hell forever, and that doesn’t sound like a God of love to you.
- Or maybe a church leader makes an unwelcome sexual approach to you and you don’t know what to do, because you think no-one will believe you.
Whatever it was, you can’t feel confident about what you once believed nor the church you once attended.
But I believe there are four things that should give you encouragement.
1. You are not alone
It may seem like everyone around you in church is confident of their belief, but it turns out more than half the Christians in the US report having experienced doubts about their faith in the last few years.
And about 40% of adults, and more than a third of Christians in the US have reconstructed the faith of their youth. Which suggests to me that while many people reconstruct their beliefs, only some of them abandon faith entirely.
These statistics are backed up by the number of articles and comments about faith deconstruction. People who I think are reliable say that “so many young people“, “many evangelicals“, “many people“ are deconstructing their faith – deconstruction has “gone viral“ and is “more common in Christianity than many have realized“.
I can add my own experience. I have been a Christian for more than 60 years and I have been slowly deconstructing and reconstructing for most of that time. I remain just as committed to Jesus now as I did back then, but the content of my belief has changed significantly. I am older and (I believe) wiser because of it. Read more about my story here.
So you’re not alone in experiencing doubts, asking questions that aren’t being answered or finding it difficult to go on as a Christian.
2. There is help and support if you need it
If you have suffered trauma through your association with a church or an abusive leader, there are counsellors that can help you.
If you need to explore questions about Christian belief and living, there are many books and websites that can give you helpful ideas. This website has pages on various aspects of faith deconstruction and reconstruction, plus a detailed look at some Biblical difficulties, hard questions and reasons to believe. I also have another website (Is there as God?) devoted to reasons to believe.
And if it’s encouragement, ideas and new friends you want, then why not try the Spiritual Misfits podcast, Facebook page and videos?
And of course, an internet search will open up all sorts of opportunities for you.
3. You have choices
Sometimes we can feel that we have no choice but to give up our church or even give up our faith. But really, having doubts and feeling like a spiritual misfit can lead us down one of many different paths. For example:
- Perhaps your doubts are not about something fundamental, but about something like sexuality or some non-core doctrine. In which case you may feel right to just keep on believing in Jesus but change your understanding of that particualr issue.
- Some people just bury the questions and doubts and try to keep on believing what they’ve always believed. If you’re honest, you may not be able to do that, but you may think it is the best way forward.
- A better option seems to be to face the doubts and do some research. Read some books or listen to some podcasts. Check out alternative ways to approach the question. Pray and ask God to show you truth. You may find that your doubts are a gateway to a new and better understanding of God and the Bible.
- You may do all this and still not find an answer that satisfies. But this is OK, if this isn’t a fundamental question. We don’t have to know everything. We may find we can keep trusting Jesus even while we wait for answers.
- And of course, we are always free to decide it all isn’t really true. I think that is a mistaken conclusion, for I think the evidence for Jesus is stronger than my doubts about him. But if you have made an honest and thorough investigation, that option is open to you.
It is good to give ourselves time. Time to really consider. Sometimes things can look different when we have given matters time to gel in our minds.
4. There are answers and ways forward
If you find it hard to believe some Bible stories and some doctrines you have been told, know that there are alternative answers for most questions. For example:
- You don’t have to believe that God commanded genocide or that the Israelites committed genocide. There are other ways to understand this part of the Bible.
- Likewise a study of the obnoxious teachings about hell show that it is a misunderstanding of what Jesus actually said.
- Queer Christians and their friends can be comforted to know that there are good reasons for the church to be more accepting and affirming.
- Many of the conventional Christian views which deconstructing Christians find problematic are based on a view of the Bible which is inconsistent and arguable.
- There are good (and I believe true) answers to the arguments of atheists that Christian faith is unreasonable.
Go well
If you are a spiritual misfit, my prayer is that you will take the journey of reconstruction with faith and peace, and that you will find God’s answers to your questions and doubts.
Please feel free to email me or make a comment (below) if that would help you in this worthwhile journey.
Note: 8 catalysts to faith deconstruction
This process of questioning one’s faith is sometimes termed faith deconstruction. Christine Parker, a religious trauma counsellor, outlines 8 different catalysts of deconstruction:
- Doctrinal inconsistencies: encountering inconsistencies or contradictions in one’s religious teachings,.
- Intellectual curiosity: studying theology, philosophy, or other belief systems.
- Personal experiences: trauma, loss, or suffering, and questions of gender and sexual identity.
- Exposure to diverse worldviews: interactions with people of different faiths or beliefs systems.
- Ethical and moral dilemmas: when religious teachings clash with an individual’s sense of what is right and just.
- Access to Information: books, the internet or discussions on religious and philosophical topics.
- Spiritual Abuse or Religious Trauma: negative experiences within a religious community, such as spiritual abuse or religious trauma.
- Life Stages: major life transitions can lead to re-evaluation.
Photo by Keenan Constance.
Maybe a friend comes out as queer and is rejected by their church.
Maybe an atheist online mocks what you believe and you don’t really know whether you have any reasons to believe.
Maybe you read something in the Bible that doesn’t seem right, like God ordering genocide (Deuteronomy 7:1-3).
Or your pastor preaches on people being punished in hell forever, and that doesn’t sound like a God of love to you.
Or maybe a church leader makes an unwelcome sexual approach to you and you don’t know what to do, because you think no-one will believe you.
Maybe some people pray to God for a change in their lives or in world events, and when that doesn’t happen they conclude that there is no God and so lose their faith.
Yes, I think that is true, and could have been included. (Though of course there were many other scenarios that I could have included too, but I didn’t want to have too many,)
Would you fit in that category?
Would you fit in that category?
No, I wouldn’t say so. I believe in God the creator and architect and the source of all good. (Which raises the question of what is the source of evil, to which I have no answer, maybe you do?).
I don’t think God takes a personal interest in me, or anyone else, maybe not even in the human race in general. He hasn’t prevented wars or natural disasters and seems content to just let us find our own way in life( or lives), learning as we go along. People pray for outcomes and if they happen then God intervened, if not then it’s “God’s will”, so he can’t lose either way. 🙂
Having said that, miracles sometimes happen (usually on a small scale), and maybe that convinces people that God has an interest in them, or maybe it was just good luck it’s hard to say.
If you ask me if I have “faith” in God, I would say “to do what”? Make my life better? I think that is mainly up to individual action but can be guided by various disciplines, of which the New Testament is obviously one.
All the best.
Yes, I can understand that. I find it impossibloe to believe a material world appeared out of nothing (or that it has always existed), so some form of God is not really negotiable for me. But I think what you suggest is definitely an option. I think there are good reasons to prefer the belief I hold to (obviously) but I think a more distant, less involved God, or a God outside of any religion, are the next best options.
I think you are right to extend the meaning of “faith in God” by asking “to do what?”. Of course the answer might just be “to exist” but if that is all then it hardly matters.
Of course the answer might just be “to exist” but if that is all then it hardly matters.
True.
I think that on further reflection I would say that my faith is that there is an ultimate force for good in the Universe, even if any effect he has on our daily lives is obscure and impenetrable to us.
How much of our well being is due to us or him can’t really be known, all we can do is our best.
I think if we consider just the universe and human beings in it, then your conclusion is a reasonable way to see things. But I think two other factors can help us come to a stronger conclusion …..
(1) The experiences of many people who believe (some with good evidence) that God has spoken to them, healed them, appeared in a vision, etc. I haven’t had such an experience, but many of them are plausible and hard to explain any other way.
(2) The life of Jesus. I think a major purpoise of his life was to give us a stronger reason to trust God.
The experiences of many people who believe (some with good evidence) that God has spoken to them, healed them, appeared in a vision, etc. I haven’t had such an experience, but many of them are plausible and hard to explain any other way.
I’m sure that happens, however the reasons why God would seemingly favour a small number of people and ignore the prayers of many others are obscure. You may say that the reason it happens doesn’t matter, only the fact that it does sometimes happen proves he takes an interest in some people’s lives, but still the question of “why” them and not others remains.
Yes, I agree with you here. I ask the same questions. But I don’t think those questions negate the evidence of God’s actions. So my conclusion is that God DOES interact very directly with some people, but I can’t understand why it isn’t more people, and why some and not others. So I just accept the mystery, but it doesn’t change my basic belief.
Good answer!
I think what you say is the best way of looking at the situation is to accept that God’s ways are not determinable by humans and just have faith that sometime or other we will understand.
Thanks. It is nice to have agreement on some things.